From the Mentor's Notebook on Personal Growth Issues


Notebook's Stories: Patricia's Story: 


"How Perfect do I have to be before they love me?"  

Patricia shares her struggles to find the real person other all the other's ideas and other's expectations.  ....Then how does she change?

"I grew up in a family, the youngest with three sisters and one brother.  Dad had mastered his degrees in Business to become one of the most successful entrepreneurs in their state.  Mother had worked hard to become the top Gynaecologists of the hospital scene. 

"Each of my sisters had finished degrees and further training: in dogcatcher2.jpgorder of their age:  an Accountant, an Pharmacists and a Lawyer. 

"Then of course, her brother seemed to top them all; he stepped into a role as a ...dogcatcher!

"Then there was me, myself and I.  At 36, and unmarried, I had completed 8 years on three different career paths, all without the desire on what I really wanted to do. ...a dentist...political science....a city planner.....or maybe just volunteering for the local fire department? 

"When my family got together, with their equally successful spouses, it often was a miserable time for me.    I couldn’t help but compare herself everyone!  I had even labelled myself ‘not as successful as all of them’, but not good at relationships, at sports, at hobbies.’... and my list went on and on.  kneeling women.jpg

"The husbands naturally came into my list as well...’I’m not as beautiful, well spoken and etc. etc. etc.’

"I found these get together times incredibly discouraging.  On the whole, my frantic state of my emotions was becoming more and more an issue, especially for my partner because he didn’t see me in the same light as I saw my self.  ‘Failure’ seemed to be one of Patricia’s most used words.

dog.jpg"It was certainly refreshing, visiting with my brother, Keith.  He tried to help me find out what I really enjoyed do because he had learned to do that with his job....a dogcatcher!  He had bucked the whole 'being perfect for the family' thing and enjoyed his life.

"The slogan in my family was usually ‘'Don’t start a job unless you are going to do it well’ – or perfect!  So many jobs never got started in my life because I knew I could never finish them ‘good enough’.  Procrastination became a friend.

"I looked for help when it come to the point when I couldn't see my oldest sister when she came to town; I was afraid of her judgement and how she would downgrade me."

*******red rose 3.jpg*******

As Patricia worked on her issues with a good Mentor, she saw more and more the roots of the need to please others, the need to be perfect for her own inner core beliefs.  She became aware that behind her driven-ness was a fear of being abandoned and left alone in a scary world without control over her life.  Meeting other’s measuring stick for ‘good enough’ was a sense of security for her.  She felt ‘safe’ when others gave her their nod of approval.

It would be a great ending to her story to say her issues all disappeared with the insight as to why they happened.  However, for Patricia, just like most perfectionists, it takes small steps to let go of the tight control she had over her life.  Once she understood the ‘how’ and the ‘why’ behind her connections with perfectionism, she could start the next part of her journey. 


Back to Patricia: "For me to finally allow myself the experience of letting go of my control and my need for perfection, meant getting in touch with these long held back feelings.  I began to deal with the 6 year old who remembered having to sit in a corner and redo and redo and redo something until my older sister was satisfied.

girl with seashells.jpg"My eight year old self could finally experience her own real feelings.....could finally be seen and heard rather than hidden away behind a mask of control.

"At that time, my relationship with my family had been close but the price I paid for that closeness was to keep their approval.  I had helped my Dad and the family..... but the price she paid was ignoring my own feelings.

"In order for me to meet their high standards for ‘very good job’, I had to take firm control myself.  This meant I had to apply their high standards for myself, to make myself reach that big bit higher for their love.  However, this also meant I had to push my feelings aside and focus on others, a pretty tough job for a 6 year old.  

"In the light of my own harsh judgements, I would always fall short of where I wanted to be.  Always comparing myself to others, my family and their spouses meant I would always finished last.

"My family was different now so my relationships could be different too.  I didn’t need to be that 6 year old trying to please everyone.

 "My task was to see myself the way my Creator saw me.  I needed to care for myself in a loving way and gain back the emotions I had tried so hard to bury.  As a 36 year old woman, I could chose to honour and respect my parents without the need to ‘obey’ them. 

"I could even have different opinions from my family and still be accepted and loved.....well, that one I'm still working on.  As I keep looking for the good things I can do, I find a new heart to care for people in a right perspective.

"It wasn’t until I could compassionately explore why I was so down on myself that I could began to realize how severely critical of myself had been.  I began to truly accept myself as God saw me above how I judged myself!"

Where is the Lordship of Jesus in all of this for you?

The Lord gave Patricia a picture how He saw her.  At first she saw a piece of unfinished, raw wood lying on the floor.  She thought she was being discarded until she came to the second picture.

The piece of wood had been fitted into part of a frame, now varnished and shiny new.  The next picture was of the frame set into a wall to become a window, but now not just any window! 

She saw all the broken pieces of her life as shattered pieces of coloured glass.

            The last picture was of the Lord fitting all these pieces into a beautiful stained glass window that many, many people could admired His handiwork from her broken, shattered misdirected life.



 Stories to Share 
  Allie's Story
Lynne's Journey  
Ben's Search Reports and eBooks Disclaimer
Summary - October Edition
Nicho's story Sally's Story happy 1  Patricia's


------------ >    Here is a NEW Website you might be interested in:

        Sharon Tromp and Debbie McCabe            Triple Heart Ministries

From the Mentor's Notebook, October Edition, Page 10

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  •   bullet-note.gif  Further Comments  to Patricia's Story:

    A deep break-through came when Patricia could see her own 'self-judgement' and believing the lies had kept her locked into her pain.

    She took the verses in 1 Corinthians 4:4-5!  She began to see the Lord's opinion of her was more important than her family's.....or even than her own judgement of herself


    For one thing it helped to have a trust in God and a faith that God was there for the journey too.  Allowing Him to take some of the control was a key to her new freedom.
  • bullet-note.gif  Articles Related to Learning to hear from God:

1. 10 Golden Rules for Perfectionists      arrow right.jpg

2.  My Levels of Expectations  arrow right.jpg
 Conviction versus Condemnation  arrow right.jpg


4.  Where is your Space for God?  arrow right.jpg

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  •     bullet-note.jpg   A testimony:
  • It is a privilege to have Susan Fengler as my mentor and supervisor for my Post Graduate Counselling Studies and ministry.

  • I have found her wisdom to be invaluable and freely given, as she generously sows into others the healing and knowledge she has received from Jesus in her own life.

  • Susan's wealth of experience spans many decades, and this is so apparent in her teaching and practical solutions for every day encounters.

  • She delights in constantly seeking to raise people up into their full potential, and her constructive advice is always delivered gently, respectfully, and with much grace.

  • During my time with Susan, I have discovered more about my identity and gifting, and have been empowered to apply these skills to many opportunities.

Melbourne, 2009, Susan F.


  •     bullet-note.jpg  Interesting Books:

Healing Women's Emotions by Paula Sandford.  ISBN: 0-932081-30-4  A book written by a well known speaker aimed at helping women face their issues and find healing.

Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge.  ISBN: 0-7853-6469-8  Unveiling the mystery of a woman's soul.

What's so Amazing about Grace? by Philip Yancy.  ISBN: 0-310-21862-4  Looking at the Grace of God in our every day lives.

"Understanding your Self-Talk - Another way of seeing Yourself"

self-talk cover.jpg

Self-Talk is that 'mind chatter' that goes on in our mind, often just below our conscience thought.  It can be self-destructive or building good health.
It all began when we believed others as children and still greatly shapes our world today.  Some it true but most 'negative' self-talk is half truths or outright lies that we still believe about ourselves and our capabilities.

How to we catch this self-talk and what do we do with it to lead healthier lives?
Join us with this Special Report to see how your thoughts can shape and change your world, your emotions and your behaviour

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Change involves the will, your mind and emotions, your spiritual insight as well as your heart understanding.

In this eBook we have tried to present practical worksheets and viewpoints to help you find the best your Creator has to offer.

Come and join us as we Learn how to Nurture your Inner Health!

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 © Copyright 2009 'From the Mentor’s Notebook on Personal Growth Issues',
All Rights Reserved.

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